


Out of the Mouths of Babes

by A_Eelif



Category: Bleach
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 11:23:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/609286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Eelif/pseuds/A_Eelif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yachiru sees Ikkaku and Yumichika kissing. No big deal, right? WRONG! One question leads to another and Yumichika ends up giving his Lieutenant the sex talk. Rated M for talking about sex and just a smidgen of sex at the end. (Ikka/Yumi sex)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the Mouths of Babes

I do not own Bleach, the characters, or the settings.

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Yumichika knew he shouldn't have let Ikkaku talk him into making out behind one of the Squad Eleven buildings, but then he thought what could be the harm? No one was looking or so he thought. When Ikkaku slipped his tongue into the fifth seat's mouth it felt good and that was okay wasn't it? No one was around or so he thought. Then the bald man snaked his hand into Yumichika's black uniform top, fumbling into the folds of fabric until he found a nipple and pinched it making the black haired man moan, but it was fine, right? No one could see them or so he thought. Finally, after several minutes of kissing and heavy petting, Yumichika convinced Ikkaku to continue their intimate moment in the privacy of their own bedroom before anyone saw them.

Unknown to Yumichika until now, being two days after said make out session, the dark haired fifth seat finds himself looking into the wide, brown, curious eyes of his squad's pink haired Lieutenant, who in fact, had seen what he thought no one had seen. The stunned man blinks a few times, "W-what?"

The short Lieutenant smiles at Yumichika's shocked face, "I said, why were you and Baldy kissing?" Before Yumichika can come up with a plausible explanation for the curious question, the young girl quickly fires another one his way, "Are you two in love?"

Thinking that this is his way out of the conversation, the fifth seat nods, "Yes, that is exactly why we were kissing. We are in love."

The pink haired voyeur contemplates his answer for a moment and smiles again, "But, why?"

"Why what?" Yumichika's dark eyebrows come together in confusion as he stares at his naïve Lieutenant.

A frustrated expression comes across her face, "Why are you and Pachinko Head in love?"

"Well, it's because he makes me happy." He smiles thinking he had finally appeased her, but she still has a puzzled look on her small face, "Is something else confusing you?"

"But, how can you love him and be happy when he's always so angry and loud and he's bald!" She wrinkles her nose at her memories of her bald playmate, "And, you hardly ever get mad and you're not noisy at all and plus, you have hair. You're nothing like Baldy."

The fifth seat giggles a little at her confusion, "Oh, I see why you're confused…two people don't have to be exactly the same to love each other." He sits down in front of her and she sits down as well, "Take you and the Captain for instance…you love him don't you?"

"Of course I love Kenny! He's my bestest friend!" A huge smile spreads across her face at the mention of her adoptive father.

"And, the two of you aren't anything alike." He smiles at the way her pink little eyebrows draw up in confusion, "For instance, he's a boy and you're a girl, you have pink hair and he has black hair, he's big and you're small…in fact, you two are nothing alike, but you love him and he makes you happy and I know he feels the same way about you."

Her cute, childish face finally registers understanding, "Oh, I get it…Baldy's anger makes you happy just like Kenny's anger makes him happy which makes me happy!"

"That's not quite what I meant, but close enough." Yumichika lets out an audible sigh of relief at thinking that the uncomfortable topic of he and Ikkaku kissing was finally over.

Yachiru cocks her head to the side as an inquisitive gleam appears in her eyes, "But, aren't you and Cue Ball both boys?"

The fifth seat's cheeks tint red at Yachiru's question. He wasn't blushing because he was embarrassed about he and Ikkaku's relationship. In fact, he'd tell anyone who wanted to know that they were together. He was blushing because it was one thing to discuss such matters with grown ups, but it was another matter all together to be discussing alternative lifestyle choices with someone as young as his Lieutenant. He had no choice at this point so he answers her with as calm of an expression as he can manage, "Yes, we are both boys."

He watches as she thinks about this information and he can practically hear the gears turning in her brain. Finally, a questioning look appears on her already extremely confused face, "But, in all the stories that Kenny reads me before bed, the handsome prince always falls in love with the beautiful princess. I never heard a story where two handsome princes fall in love."

The black haired man bristles at Yachiru's words, but answers her all the same, "Have you ever thought that maybe fairy tales discriminate against two handsome princes falling in love? Perhaps, the beautiful princess wasn't all she was cracked up to be…she probably has hair extensions and enough make-up for three princesses, her boobs are most likely fake as well as her eyelashes, not to mention that winning personality she used to capture the prince is probably not as winning as he thought because she's a major bitch and she's absolutely no good in bed!"

Yumichika had completely forgotten Yachiru was there until she speaks, "What? Fake boobs?"

The fifth seat finally remembers who his audience is and tries to diffuse the situation that he created, "What I mean, is that most of the time the prince ends up with the princess, but sometimes the prince discovers that he likes another prince better. Does that make sense?"

She nods, but her face begins to turn as pink as her hair. This worries Yumichika considering the fact that the Lieutenant never got embarrassed. He begins to wonder what could possibly be more embarrassing than the things they had already discussed. Yachiru eventually looks him in the eyes as she speaks, "Do you and Baldy sleep in the same futon?"

"Yes, we do." He didn't see any reason to lie to her at this point in the discussion, but then he notices her brown eyes leave his gaze to look down at the floor and her pink face turns scarlet, "What's the matter, Lieutenant? Is something bothering you?"

The young girl continues to look at the floor and doesn't dare look at Yumichika when she finally speaks up, "Do you and Pachinko Head…do it?"

Yumichika's breath catches in his throat as his violet eyes widen more than they ever have in his whole existence, "E-excuse me?"

She finally looks at her playmate again and noticing his shock somehow boosts her confidence, "You know, do you and Cue Ball f…"

Before she can finish speaking, Yumichika quickly covers her small mouth with his hand, "The F word is very unbeautiful and not at all lady like. Where in Soul Society did you ever hear such a term?" He releases his hold on the young Lieutenant's mouth as he waits for her answer.

"The whole squad is full of big, stinky, gross men and they talk about that stuff all the time." She lowers her voice a bit and looks around, "Kenny says the F word all the time."

"Regardless, it is very rude to ask questions about people's…sex life." He tries to give her his best scolding look, but her innocent face makes it hard to do.

"Then how come all those other guys in the squad talk about it all the time?" She crosses her arms over her chest in defiance to Yumichika's scolding.

The fifth seat lets out an annoyed sigh at the conversation he's found himself in, "It's okay to talk about it with your friends. In fact, sometimes it helps to talk about intimate things like… 'doing it' with your close friends, but…"

"Aren't we friends, Feathers?"

Her wide brown eyes pierce his heart with the desperate gleam they show and the pitiful tone in her voice makes his already pierced heart break, "Well, of course we're friends, but…"

"Then you should be able to tell me about you and Baldy, right?" She gives him a big, bright smile.

The black haired shinigami finally gives up and nods, "We do, but we're grown ups and we're allowed to do that." He hears a giggle leave the Lieutenant's mouth, "What is so funny?"

"You just said that you and Baldy do it!" She begins laughing harder at this new discovery, "That means you've seen Pachinko Head naked."

Yumichika gives her a frown, "That's very rude, Yachiru. When your friend confides in you you're not supposed to laugh."

"I'm sorry, Feathers." She covers her mouth with her small hands, "Are we still friends?" He gives her a smile and nods. She takes her hands away from her mouth and shows Yumichika another curious grin, "Are you and Baldy gonna get married?"

"Um…" The fifth seat's eyes widen again as he searches for some way to answer her latest question.

When Yumichika doesn't say anything, Yachiru speaks again, "Can two handsome princes not get married? In all the stories, the prince and princess get married after he saves her from being eaten by a huge dragon…I think it'd be more fun if he let the dragon eat her, but he always saves her and then they get married. They get married cause they're in love and if you and Cue Ball are in love then you could get married too, right?"

"It's not that two princes can't get married it's just more common for the prince to get married to the princess and Ikkaku and I are happy just the way we are. We don't need to get married."

The pink haired Soul Reaper smiles at knowing her two favorite playmates were happy together because when they were happy they played with her more, "But, you live together and sleep in the same futon and do it…so, it's almost like you're married, isn't it?"

He lets out a sigh at her innocent question, "For the sake of this discussion, I will say yes."

The young shinigami is quiet for a long time trying to digest everything Yumichika had told her. She eventually comes to terms with this new information and breaks the silence with…you guessed it…another question, "So, when are you and Baldy gonna have a baby?"

Being so taken aback by Yachiru's question all Yumichika manages is a squeak. He wasn't sure how much Yachiru knew about sex, but obviously the Captain hadn't been doing a very good job of educating her, "Um, it doesn't quite work that way." He takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it back out.

Her face shows confusion again, "But, I thought you got a baby from doing it and if you and Baldy do it then why can't you two have a baby?"

"You are very right in the fact that 'doing it' produces a baby, but in order to have a baby one person has to have boy parts and the other person had to have girl parts." He licks his lips nervously having never given the sex talk to anyone before, "Ikkaku and I both have boy parts. Do you understand?"

She nods, "I know that boys have a penis and girls have a cookie." She smiles proudly at her knowledge of anatomy.

"That's correct, but boys and girls aren't just different on the outside…they're different on the inside too." He watches her eyebrows scrunch together and he elaborates, "What I mean is that we all have hearts, lungs, and stomachs, but girls have a special pouch inside their bodies that hold a baby. Boys like me and Ikkaku don't have anywhere for a baby to go. Does that help at all?"

She jumps up excitedly, "A pouch! Like a kangaroo?"

"Just like a kangaroo except it's on the inside instead of on the outside." He smiles at how excited she is by this discovery.

Once she calms down, the Lieutenant sits back down, "How does a baby get in there?"

Yumichika's smile fades at this question, "Yachiru, has no one ever told you exactly what sex is?"

She shakes her head from side to side making her pink hair swish around her face, "No, I asked Kenny once where babies came from and he said 'What do I look like, a teacher?' and I said 'No' and he said 'Then get lost' and I never asked him again, but you've been a really good teacher so far. So, I figure you must know where they come from."

The fifth seat's face turns pale as he chews his bottom lip trying to decide what to tell his Lieutenant, "There is a special ingredient that comes out of the boy and it goes into the girl and that makes a baby."

She thinks about this for a moment and suddenly her eyes almost pop out of her head with the realization of what Yumichika just told her, "You mean a boy puts his penis in a girl's cookie?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying." He almost laughs at the disgusted look on her face, but he holds his laughter in.

"And, she just lets him do it?"

Yumichika nods, "If all goes well and under normal circumstances then yes she does just let him do it."

Yachiru's nose wrinkles in revulsion, "That's gross!"

The black haired man giggles softly, "You may think differently once you're older."

The young girl scratches her head as she directs another question his way, "I still don't understand how a baby gets in that pouch. It seems like there wouldn't be any room with his penis blocking everything."

Yumichika face palms at this, "No, you see a whole baby doesn't go in there at once."

Her eyes widen in horror, "Only half a baby goes in there?"

"No!" He places a hand on her shoulder to calm her down, "Let me explain it another way…you know what cake is, right? Remember, I made it after I returned from the living world?" She nods and licks her lips hungrily, "Okay, let's say we're going to bake a cake."

"Cakes are yummy!"

"Yes, they are, but we aren't really making one. We're just pretending, okay?" She nods, but looks a little disappointed as Yumichika continues, "In order to make a cake, you have to get all the ingredients together. For instance, some of the ingredients come from the refrigerator and some of them come from the pantry. Are you following me so far?"

"Yeah, then what happens?"

"Good, let's pretend that the ingredients from the refrigerator are the boy's ingredients and the ingredients from the pantry are the girl's ingredients." She nods, but never diverts her attention from Yumichika's story. "We mix the boy's ingredients with the girl's ingredients, but that isn't a cake yet, is it?" She shakes her head and he continues, "So, to turn those ingredients into a cake we have to put them in the oven. The oven keeps all those ingredients safe while they turn into a cake. That pouch inside a girl is like an oven…it keeps everything safe until all the ingredients turn into a baby." He takes a breath as he watches her mouth turn up into a smile, "When it's time the baby comes out just like the cake comes out of the oven."

"That's so cool!" She gives Yumichika a grateful smile, but suddenly her features twist to bewilderment again, "How does the baby get out of the pouch?"

Becoming more comfortable with their discussion, Yumichika quickly answers her, "It comes out of the girl's 'cookie'."

"That's gross!"

He nods in agreement, "It is gross, but that's how we all came to be."

The now wiser Lieutenant considers all this new information with a calmer face than Yumichika expected, "Did you used to live in your mommy's oven pouch?"

"Yes, I did."

"And, did I used to live in my mommy's oven pouch?" He nods and Yachiru begins playing with the hem of her uniform top, "How come my mommy didn't want me when I came out?"

Her question makes Yumichika's heart ache. He didn't know anything about Yachiru's mother, but he answers as best as he can, "Because, if your mommy kept you then the Captain would be all alone and he wouldn't have anyone to keep him company."

Her face lights up with Yumichika's explanation, "My mommy gave me to Kenny?"

The dark haired Soul Reaper nods, "Some mommy's give their babies to people who can't have their own baby."

"Like you and Baldy?"

He smiles at her train of thought, "Sometimes, but there are some girls who can't have a baby."

She gasps in surprise, "Why not?"

"They either don't have enough ingredients or their pouch is broken."

She frowns at finding out this can happen, "That's sad."

"It is sad, but you're here and that's important." She finally smiles again and he returns the smile.

"Feathers, can I ask you one more question?"

"I suppose." He didn't know what else she could possibly want to know.

The Soul Reaper youth's cheeks tint pink again, but she looks straight into Yumichika's violet eyes this time, "If you or Baldy don't have a cookie then how do you do it?"

Before Yumichika is subjected to answering this by far most uncomfortable question, they hear a familiar voice, "Yachiru, there you are."

"Kenny!" The young girl jumps up and makes her way to her favorite person. Kenpachi Zaraki scoops her up into his big arms, "Kenny, did you know that boys put their penis into a girls cookie?"

At that moment, Yumichika wishes he hadn't left his zanpakuto back in his and Ikkaku's room so that he could kill himself before the Captain could do it. Zaraki's uncovered eye widens, "I…did in fact know that."

"Did you know that that's how to make a baby?"

The Captain glances at Yumichika and then back at Yachiru, "I knew that also."

"But, I bet you don't know that a baby comes out of a girl's cookie!" She beams thinking that she'd finally stumped the large man holding her.

"Surprisingly enough, I already figured that out." Before he or Yumichika can talk, Yachiru blurts out something else she learned.

"Feathers and Baldy do it, but neither of them have a cookie and I can't figure out how they do it."

Zaraki clears his throat and Yachiru falls silent at last giving Yumichika a chance to explain, "Captain, I am so sorry! She saw Ikkaku and I kissing and I didn't know she was around! I should have been paying more attention, but she saw and she asked questions. One thing led to another…I'm sorry…I'm really s…"

The Captain waves Yumichika's apology away, "It's fine. She's been curious for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to give her the sex talk. You've really done me a solid today."

When Yachiru sees that she nor Yumichika will be in trouble she pipes up again, "But, Kenny, I wanna know how Feathers and Baldy do it."

Even Zaraki's cheeks turn pink at this request, but he looks dead into her brown eyes, "Well, since Pretty Boy here has laid the ground work then I guess I'll tell ya." He brings his mouth down to her ear and whispers so low that Yumichika can't make out what's being said.

Yachiru gasps a few times and finally Zaraki stops whispering and straightens back up, "But, Kenny, doesn't that hurt?"

"I wouldn't know." He casts a glance at Yumichika, "But, I'm sure Pretty Boy there could tell ya."

"But, Captain!"

He holds his hand up to stop the fifth seat's disagreement, "If you do this for me I'll give you and Madarame the day off anytime you want it."

Yumichika opens his mouth to argue, but the Captain made a pretty convincing argument. So, the fifth seat nods, "Yes, Captain."

The eleventh Captain looks at the pink haired girl in his arms as he speaks, "Did ya have fun learning stuff with your friend today?" She nods excitedly and he continues, "How would you like to learn some more while I go take a nap?"

Her face beams with happiness, "Really, Kenny?"

"Yes, really and when you're done learning you can come back to the room, but when you come back I don't need to know about anything you learned."

She gives him a perplexed look, "Why not, Kenny?"

"Because, this is a secret between you and Pretty Boy. You wouldn't want him to think he can't trust you, do you?"

"Feathers can trust me." She puts a finger over her own lips, "I won't tell you anything he tells me."

"Good." He puts her back on the floor and walks in the direction of his room.

When Yachiru can't see the Captain any longer, she turns to look at Yumichika again, "So, does it hurt when Pachinko Head puts his penis in your…you know what?"

The dark haired man tries to stop the deep blush from creeping to his cheeks, but to no avail. He thinks about the promise the Captain made him and he takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it back out before answering Yachiru. "It only hurts a little."

A slight glint of sadness appears in her eyes, "If it hurts then why do you let Baldy do it?"

When the fifth seat realizes Yachiru is concerned for his safety it makes the rest of the explanation easier, "It doesn't hurt for but a second and then it actually feels really good."

"So, Baldy doesn't hurt you?"

He shakes his head, "No, Ikkaku would never hurt me."

"And, he likes it too?" Yumichika nods and Yachiru finally shows him a look of understanding, "Well, I guess if Cue Ball doesn't hurt you and you both like it and you're in love then I guess it's okay that you were kissing and I guess as long as you and Baldy play with me it's okay that you can't have a baby for me to play with."

Yumichika lets out a relieved sigh at knowing their conversation is finally over, "Now, remember not to tell the Captain or anyone else about this."

"Okay, Feathers." She walks across the room and grabs a brush. When she returns, she hands the brush to Yumichika, "Can you braid my hair now?"

He takes the brush from her and smiles, "I would like nothing more than to braid your hair."

As he gently brushes her hair, she speaks again, "You're a good teacher, Feathers."

"Thank you, that's very nice of you to say." He lays the brush down and begins separating her hair into sections.

"Feathers?"

"Hm?"

"I love you and we aren't anything alike."

He sniffles as he holds back the happy tears threatening to fall from his violet eyes, "I love you too."

When Yumichika finishes braiding Yachiru's hair, she heads back to join the Captain and he makes his way to the room he and Ikkaku share. When he walks in he sees Ikkaku lying on the futon wearing nothing but his uniform pants. Without saying a word, Yumichika closes the door, quickly strips naked, disposes of Ikkaku's pants, and straddles his lover. Needless to say, the bald man didn't complain one bit as Yumichika sank down his cock and rode him like a jockey on a prize winning horse.

After they both meet their release, Yumichika falls down beside Ikkaku on the futon with a huge smile plastered across his beautiful, sweaty face. Once Ikkaku had a chance to recover and catch his breath, he turns to look at his dark haired lover, "Not that I mind us fucking the minute you walk in or anything…I don't mind at all, but what's the occasion?"

The fifth seat lets out a content sigh as he returns Ikkaku's gaze, "No occasion…I just had a bad day and the fact that we can never have a baby makes me feel so much better."

"What?"

The black haired shinigami shakes his head, "Nothing, I just had a very disturbing conversation with our Lieutenant and I don't wish to discuss it again."

The third seat shrugs his indifference, "Okay, but you still look a little shaken up by it." A perverted grin spreads across Ikkaku's face, "We could have sex again…you know, if it'll help."

Yumichika brings his lips to Ikkaku's for a few seconds, "You know me so well. Now, put your penis in my cookie alternative."

A look of confusion plays across Ikkaku's features, "What?"

Yumichika shakes his head again. "Fuck me and do it hard."

This Ikkaku understood and wasted no time making it happen.

The End.

Started: 4/9/2012

Finished: 4/13/2012


End file.
